Breakfast

Today was the big day.

I was going to eat breakfast. Not because I was being watched or forced but it was something that I was going to do, on my own, for my health.

I woke up and stepped on the scale and I lost a pound. 94. Two pounds away from my goal, two pounds away from visiting the doctor again. My mind started racing.

My mom said, "Good morning, skinny!" I mumbled something and drove to work.

I don't fully see what she sees. I catch glimpses of myself and I know that I'm too thin but then the image gets distorted again.

It's that distorted image that weighs me down and keeps me from eating breakfast.

At work, I had time to eat breakfast but I didn't. The compliments and the weight loss fed this disease.

I eat the same thing almost everyday. For lunch, I usually eat 1 slice of ham on 2 whole wheat slices of bread. For dinner, I eat to 4 ounces of grilled chicken with two servings of steamed veggies and 1 fat free yogurt for dessert.

To me that's a safe meal plan and anything that's not on that list is a binge. Once I'm on that mindset, everything goes spiraling down.

The 'eating disordered behaviors' take over and I find myself exercising, taking laxatives or diet pills. I am going to try again, and again until I get it right.

It took me about half a year to feel comfortable eating the food in my lunch and dinner meal plan without feeling too guilty or anxious. It is still a struggle and there are days that are better than others.