Cicatriz

The unspoken words between my eating disorder and I weigh heavily on my mind today.

I have to yet to say, I don't need it or expressed my anger over the lost years and loved ones.

Worst yet, I have been putting off saying good-bye.

Secretly, I was hoping that I could hold on to my eating disorder in some form or another.

It brings tears to my eyes because I can't remember what it's like to live without the Ed.

I am trying to focus on a memory but my Ed has always been there lurking in the background.

The behaviors are so ingrained; the way I sit, the way my hand wraps around my wrist when I get nervous, the way I keep everyone at a distance, the excuses, and the broken promises.


The truth is that I don't know who I am without my Ed.

I don't know if I am strong enough to fight this.

That thought terrifies the most.

At first, my Ed was just about losing weight and trying to be perfect.

Now it's all about numbing everything going around me.

Starvation and achieving the effect, keep my mind from worrying about the future and thinking about the past.

The effects of years starvation don't go away with a couple of meals.

The most ill thoughts still enter my mind, my body aches, and the insomnia and anemia make it hard to focus.

I want just a taste...a taste of life without an Ed.

I am tired of speaking in codes and having the weight of the unspoken words linger in my head.

I think it's time to write my good-bye letter to my Ed.