Turn from This

I've seen images and read words about this disorder that took some getting used to.


At first, I would turn away in disgust or tune them out.


Now, years later, few images and words stir my thoughts.

It's not that I become indifferent, It's just that I've always thought I would be able to turn away from this disease when I reached my goal.

In the back of my mind, I knew that this way of thinking was wrong and I figured I would start thinking more rationally when I reached my goal weight.

At first, I tried to deny that I thought this way. “I’m not like them. I’m not. I can stop, I just haven’t gotten there yet.”

Where is there?

“No, there isn’t a physical place. It’s a feeling. It’s knowing that you are taking up less space. It’s being perfect.”

When will you get there?

“I use to think, I would get there when I would feel happiness. When they said I was thin or seeing a size zero reflection in the mirror.”

“But now I’m not so sure.”

“Maybe, there is not what I feel or see, maybe it’s in a number. 90, looks like a perfect number.”

What will you do when you get there?
“I don’t know, I’ve spent all this time trying to get there.”

Won’t you have to spend all your time maintaining 90? “You’re right, sometimes, I can be so dense. I should set my goal to 85; that way I’ll have a 5 pound buffer.” No, that’s not what I meant.

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Writing all that put things into perspective. Those thoughts are not my own.

They were never mine.

It's the disorderd mind giving excuses and justifying my actions. That's the first of the 12 steps.

Admitting it, knowing that it's true and knowing that you have to change.

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I've been doing better, I been eating more and I have tried not to weigh myself. I even had breakfast today.