Failed to Satiate
Is it worth pretending that I’m sticking to my meal plan and that I’m looking forward to growing out of my double 00's?
Is it worth pretending that I’m not sitting here addicted to this emptiness and strumming my bones?
Is wearing the layers, pulling off a nightly magic act with my food, and hiding behind the medicated smile worth it?
I fed them the lie one too many times and it failed to satiate.
It's not the fact that I'm anorexic that brings me down, it's the fact that I CAN'T FEEL IT in me to recover.
That's my internal struggle and big secret that keeps me both trapped and mesmerized with this void.
Maybe this means that I’m losing my grip or maybe this just makes me mentally ill?
But I can’t bring myself to tell them that this is so much bigger than me.
Saying good-bye to ana and mia was just wishful thinking and didn’t erase the years of damage.
If I could only find it in me to want to recover then I could offer them hope but I can’t.
I am having trouble eating and I think I’m losing again.
So I am pretending again because we’ve been down this path so many times and somehow pretending their hugs aren’t bone checks and my truths aren’t lies makes it easier to get through the day.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!
And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)
Entirely spellbinding.And that's coming from a very eating disordered person I'll have you know.Literally strinking.You have said absolutely nothing that freaks me out or shocks me too much ~your words are what is happening deeeeep within the minds of ED sufferers....*BUT* you have been able to bring your thoughs to the fore of your mind.Step back and allow yourself to see how much of a tool(a useful one) is within your reach!You ahve the absolute power to be able to disect every thing you have written,question it,prod things out,challenge every corner of your mind that holds a dark secret/a SEEMINGLY dark secret.You are well able.Your words prove that.Step back.
Post a Comment