Tea

At 92 pounds my hair started falling off in patches and I got physically sick for two weeks. I went to the doctor but I used ankle weights to be above the BMI of 17.5.

He gave me medicine and sent me on my way. I asked, "will this make me gain weight?" he laughed but I wasn't joking.

I don't want to get that low again.

But, there is a part of me that is thinking, At 93 pounds everything was fine. The medicine did make me gain 3 pounds. I had to take it with meals and now I weigh 95 pounds.

Something happened those two weeks I was taking the medicine...I ate.

I ATE BREAKFAST and stopped taking the diet pills.. I never ate breakfast-the thought terrrifies me. I know it does not make sense but when I eat breakfast, I just feel so out of control- It's not part of my routine and I end up not sticking to my meal plan the rest of the day.

This week I tried to eat breakfast-I couldn't. I drank coffee-the creamer had 40 calories!

My mind couldn't get past the number. I belong to a recovery group for eating disorders and they suggested starting with a meal supplement drink. It's 150 calories!!!

I know I need to drink it because I don't want to get sick again. But every part of me is anxious at 95.

I just want to restrict, restrict, restrict until I get down to 93.

I've had this for so long, that it really doesn't phase my family when I drink my dieters tea or exercise until all hours. They tried so hard at the beginning. For the past couple of years, I get to a really low weight until I get sick then they make me gain a couple pounds.

After a couple of weeks, I work on getting low until I get sick again. The cycle never stops.